Autism is an entire shift in your life and how you and your child interact. It’s like going from color tv to sepia. It’s still tv but everything is colored different.
The early years: Having to use sign language, PECS, pictures for items they need. The early years for us were full of trying different ways to make things work. Every things from sensory integration therapy (which was COMPLETELY worth the time) to other therapies to help fill in the gaps. As for parenting in between all these therapies and doctor appointments I felt at times we got lost.
Family
By my 3rd time through Early Intervention with an autistic child I realized that I don’t have do everything all at once. I learned that at times my family NEEDED me to step back and take a two week vacation from all appointments and revel in being a family.
I had to learn to keep open communication with my oldest child that does not have autism. We would take quiet time in my room with the door closed and she could open up about anything on her mind. We remained respectful but there was no topic or feeling that couldn’t be aired. I also worked hard behind the scenes for a surprise sleep over for her, or as she got older a friend stopping over to take her to a movie with some extra money for shiny earrings 🙂
Older elementary/Middle School years: The time when if your child is higher functioning they are beginning to see a difference. To understand that how they see the world is not shared. Their black and white thinking is meeting a world full of grays.
The frustrations of the younger years resurfaces. Rages when the world is out of whack or not following their comfort schedule. We have found that therapies have been greatly reduced by this age. That helps us have more time to learn at home and work on social skills.
This is also the time when the idea of an opinion verses an decision becomes very important. An autistic child’s opinion is based on their black and white, rule bound thinking. Therefore in their mind many times that is as good as a rule of nature. They find it hard to stop and hear your differing opinion on the same subject.
We had a conversation about a door that had been broken. Our son was upset and kept saying just fix it, repetitively. We realized he needed to understand what all went into a
simple fix of the door. My hubby sat him down and said step on do we have a problem, is the door in need of fixing? Yes. Okay, how can we fix the door, give me some suggestions. They decided they could use glue, rebuild the door with wood, or replace the whole thing with a new one. Then hubby walked him through each suggestion and they talked them through, whether they were realistic or not. In the end they were calmly able to decide to replace the door and do it together.
This is only one of the many times we will need to walk through a conversation, decision making issues, emotional upheaval like that. One step at a time. It is very helpful for our children to begin seeing the process in which we make decisions.
High school and beyond: 18 is not a magic number. There is no guarantee that our teens are going to be ready or willing to fly the coop at 18. Most states allow you to keep schooling your child until they are 21. This can be helpful when you need to keep them on your health insurance, or SSDI, or you need to seek legal power of attorney.
It’s not a topic many like to talk about but this is a very real problem. A teen that can learn material but not make common sense decisions. A teen that sees other’s their age going off on their own or making decisions about life can become rebellious. As parents you need to have clear reasons to why your child with a disability can or cannot continue on with or without supervision.
There are assisted living homes. As a homeschooler I don’t feel right with that decision. Creating an apartment over my garage so my semi-independent child can have some space and learn the skills needed for living independently, okay I could live with that. Or for my teen that is going to grow into an adult that cannot live on their own. That’s okay too. I will keep homeschooling and parenting as I have done since they were born.
For kids that are able to spread their wings and try college or a job on their own be choosy. Marshal University here is West Virginia has an Asperger’s track that pairs freshmen with Asperger’s with an older student that has been trained, to help introduce them to the campus and friends over the course of a semester. Colleges are catching on to the trend of assisting in a long term way teens to settle into college. I LOVE IT! Good job colleges!
Finding a trade and interning is also a great possibility. Baking, wood working, computer repair, or you can find simple one time jobs online. Edit an article and you get paid for that article. These short term projects can keep the stress down and there is a clearly defined beginning and end to the project.
No matter the path your family takes while helping your child with autism don’t be afraid to be different. Don’t be afraid to think out of the box. Some teens will grow up and leave the nest others will not. This is a very personal decision based on facts that only you and your child’s doctors know. Don’t let the world bully you into thinking your child HAS to become independent at a specific time. You are the parent. You know your child the best. Give your teen the freedom to succeed to the best of their ability!