Are you a step parent homeschooling a blended family? Consider it the Brady Bunch with a huge twist! I pray you are having a wonderful time with your family and don’t have problems. I have talked with enough families in this situation to know that sadly there are many that do feel like homeschooling in the home is a battlefield.
Here are some life lessons I learned through multiple divorces I lived through from my early elementary years through my adulthood. Also tips that families in the trenches right now are using to help unify their blended families.
Homeschooling extra needs whether that is emotional, mental, or a disability can be difficult to navigate a safe and happy way through. Step parenting means you have even more voices you have to get onboard and agree. Everyone from your new spouse, your ex-spouse, the kids need to be taken into consideration, and then it gets messy…
The original family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, God parents) and now you also have a new family deal with. All of whom maybe carrying into their new relationship with you grudges and slights felt that you or your children had nothing to do with and no way to reconcile. Not to mention many divorces today take a years of ongoing mediation or direct court intervention so you might also have to convince a mediator of the court or a judge. Starting to sound scary…don’t be!
Be Resolute! Firm in your Foundation!
1) LOVE and RESPECT- This family, much less homeschooling, is going nowhere without love and respect. No, I am not suggesting that just because you are now married some love and respect fairy comes into the house that night with pixie dust and the next morning everything is great. Nope.
I am saying that as the adults you and your husband must actively show your children love and respect. Actively work to get your blessed mixture of children or child to love the other side of their now blended family. Taking the time to work on love and respect as an aspect of a foundation for your family to grow from will pay off!
**Over the years I have been able to see families that are navigating the tricky waters of blended families that desire to homeschool but the non-custodial parent doesn’t want that to happen and the court agrees. You could easily have ‘His kids’ in the local public school, ‘Her kids’ at home homeschooling, and the newest addition to the family ready to homeschool when the time is right. That creates a complicated life!
2) COMMUNICATION- It is very important that you have a family chat session. Open the floor to complaints, wonderful things, problems with schedules, anything that is interfering in your family needs to be talked about and cleared up as best is possible.
For example: I had a family that was split down the center. Sides were cast His kids/vs/Her kid and the parents were very upset. They did not knowingly encourage this and definitely didn’t want it! A family talk was called and it turned out that the child that had to go to school was upset, thinking her brothers that stayed home did nothing all day. She mistook being in comfy clothes and the book work done and put away a sign they weren’t ‘doing school’ like she had to. The parents let the conversation go on between the pre-teens and teen with gentle guidance.
The brothers realized that she was going to school all day, working all day. Then coming home with homework that would REALLY get her in trouble if she didn’t complete and it took hours. The brothers having never been in school didn’t understand the weight and importance of homework. She having never been homeschooled didn’t understand that there was little need for extra work because the work was done during the course of the day’s assignments.
I am happy to say this family worked out their issues and the daughter was later allowed to try homeschooling herself!
3) ADJUSTMENT TIME- Don’t walk in the first day after the honeymoon and expect the whole world to be as happy and rosy as you. That everyone will settle down to homeschooling and start up the wonderful curriculum you have sunk hours into choosing with gusto. There needs be a time getting to know each other. Now that everyone is living in the same house bubbles of problems and disagreements are bound to happen. Stop and deal with them. Be the authority figure that calmly and competently can handle anything thrown at you. Even if inside you are scared. Deal with the situation…. then sneak off the bathroom to call your hubby for support and a pick-me-up. Then you can face the rest of the day with that same confidence!
As a teen my parents both remarried within a year of each other. I was in a tizzy. Everything suffered my school work, my relationships with my parents and definitely my relationship with my new step parents. Family therapy was tried and the advice was calm down EVERYONE and let some time pass. This is a major change and the older the child/teen involved the more they need to work through this new life, along with all the lovely hormones and changes that are naturally occurring. Basically it’s a maelstrom of emotion at that moment but it will pass.
3) EXPECTATIONS- If you don’t have a child and are suddenly in a situation where you have an 8-year-old you may feel like you got thrown in the deep end of the pool after reading a pamphlet on swimming but no classes. Don’t expect Mrs. Cleaver from yourself. Be happy with a cleanish home, dinner on the table, and some homeschooling done. Good job! Tomorrow you will be better more experienced than you were today.
Another version of expectations becoming a problem is if you are expecting your husband’s 4th grader to be doing the similar work as your 4th grader. They most likely will have a different skill set. You need to learn where your children are stronger or weaker and adjust.
If this is your 1st time dealing with a special need you will probably profit from seeking a support group or knowledgable veteran homeschooler to pick their brain about more approaches and ways to teach. There is nothing wrong with asking advice from someone who has walked the same road you are on. It’s wise to seek guidance and mentoring.
5) DEALING WITH THE OLD- A remarriage no matter how many years down the road it was from the divorce often brings up the negative feelings surrounding the divorce. Those feelings can come out in many ways. You could have a child that explodes on everyone. You could have a child that internalized everything and won’t open up anymore. Finally you could be dealing with a child that focuses all that emotion on the ‘new’ parent.
-If you have an explosive child be happy that they are communicating with you. Even if it’s an inappropriate way that needs corrected. They are still talking to you and that gives you the tools to correct the problem and revert back up to number 2 and communicate!
-If your child internalized the emotions you need to find a way they can express themselves. Whether that is art, a sport they love, or counseling. Those feelings should not be left to sit and fester. Mom and dad it’s your job to work with your child to help them articulate in some way their feelings so you can deal with them and move on and grow as a single family.
-Now if you have a hyper-focusing child. Say it’s her new step mom that she is hyper-focusing her negative emotions on. That same mom had to figure out how to homeschool this child. I have learned a few tips to help. First the relationship between mother and daughter is the most important thing here! Homeschooling comes second. In order to allow some space for learning to continue while mother and daughter are still having problems you need to put a buffer in place. Dad step up and you give the assignments. Having mom be in a position of tutor and guide rather than the person making her homeschool. You can also use online computer software, cyberschools, umbrella schools, etc that set down a lesson plan and shoulder some of the burden of being the homeschooling mom/teacher.
The last word on this type of hyper-focusing child is you may have to place them in school for a time if the situation is too bad. I rarely ever say that. I am a strong believer that you can homeschool through just about anything. BUT I cannot encourage homeschooling if your relationship with your husband/wife is being compromised, the relationship with your children is being compromised.
FAMILY FIRST!
I am so happy to tell you that most blended families will work out the kinks. Homeschooling doesn’t have to stop just because of blending to wonderful families together. The complications can be overcome and you can have your dream of homeschooling!
Are you blessed with a blended family? What works for your family? Do you have a question?