Not the mom I dreamed of being

From my heart today… So often bloggers talk to each other about all the great things, or even the funny wrong things. There are times we share and join in love for one another when a tragedy happens like at Rosecommon Acres when she lost her beautiful Tiggy. Or for my friend Kate as we pray continuously for the health of her little Noah, Praying for Noah.

What about the scared little girl fears living in us? The dark and not so pretty truths each of us have to face in our own way. Today I am sharing a truth that I shy away from, even run from in my mind but it never leaves. Am I a good mom? Do my kids deserve better than a broken, weak mom that is slowly dying?

I listen to my mommy friends and hear all the great co-ops, field trips and  want to turn back the clock 2 years when I was taking my kids on those same trips. Now I can’t even drive. No more on the fly trips to the local fort. Not even a quick run to the grocery store. I am not in the least upset at my friends but it highlights that I am home bound now.

Mom’s that have full yummy meals on the table after a day of homeschooling, canning, running to the local nursing home to deliver baskets. I am so weak that I spend my day leading the family from the hospital bed. We have our meals planned out and normally have full meals. I hang heavy on my heart those days that I need to rely on cold cereal and left overs for dinner.

I am not the mom I wanted to be. Not the funny, healthy, well balanced, busy mom I always imagined. I never thought about being a mom in constant pain. A mom that fights seizures. That can’t even eat food anymore. I ache for the dream of a life I desperately wanted to give my kids.

I never once imagined being the one to die and leave my husband widowed raising our precious children alone. It’s my responsibility to be here helping. But no matter how hard I try my body is not able. I am fighting the waves of the tide as it slowly comes in.

Waiting area at Children's Hospital

Our weekends are now a Monty card game of whose doctor do we need to see? The girl’s MRIs or my Jtube placement. Drop me at the adult hospital and my husband has to take the kids over to the children’s hospital all for a day of appointments. There are days like today when it is all is a load so heavy it seems impossible to lift.

I ache for a life that is long enough to see my children graduated. You see I told you this was an ugly thought. This is the thought I flee from in my mind. I don’t want to die young. So I fill my mind with busy-ness and stuff so I can ignore my disease.

There are times like today that I find I have nowhere else to run. I have to face the reality that my future and my present is not what I dreamed, or planned. I will continue to need medical intervention to live. I will need medications to live. And I will need to learn a new way to live that life including parenting my children.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

In the ER

That’s right I am sad. I am crying as I write this, BUT I have not given up hope. Or delight in living. The Lord is good and I trust him. I don’t understand what is happening and why I have such trial. I pray that I am able to live up to what the Lord has planned for me.

I pray that the Lord uses me where I am and with what strength I have to further His kingdom.

The Lord heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I am not this down most days.  There are low ones though. I know many of you can relate to those low days when you just don’t know how to pick yourself up off the floor.

My dear friends you are not alone. When you are that low reach out and ask for a prayer. Ask for support. A shared burden is a lighter burden. Find a way to shine love even when you are low.

 

 

16 Responses to Not the mom I dreamed of being
  1. Karen
    July 22, 2012 | 1:23 pm

    I am praying for you.

  2. Nichole
    July 22, 2012 | 2:11 pm

    Praying for you today sister. I can relate on many levels, you are never alone. Your story has touched my heart and given me fresh perspective. Xoxoxo’s!!!

    Nichole

  3. Orilla Crider
    July 22, 2012 | 2:15 pm

    Hugs my sweet friend! You are a wonderful mother and God is using you in ways you can’t see or understand. I too am facing the same type of questions right now and battling my feels with all of this. Just hang on to our Father’s strong arms and let Him wrap you in His love. Praying for you.

  4. Marcy @ Ben and Me
    July 22, 2012 | 2:32 pm

    Heather . . . I won’t pretend to even begin to know what it is like to be you, struggling so hard to live, while taking care of and homeschooling your sweet blessings. It causes my heart to ache to imagine that you won’t always be there for them. Little glimpses like this help to me to understand better how to pray for you though.

    One thing I do know for sure is that you are exactly the mommy that God intended for your children. For the good and the bad, ups and downs, sickness and health. And I know beyond the shadow of any doubt that when He calls us, He equips us.

    . . . for such a time as this.

    God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways;
    he does great things beyond our understanding. -Job 37:5

    Love you, friend. And thank you for your transparency.

  5. Annie
    July 22, 2012 | 2:46 pm

    You are a wonderful mother. I dont know you, but just by reading this I can tell that you are far better than any mom I know. You love your children so much and want to give them everything. That is why you are a wonderful person and mother. I hope and pray that someday I can be half the woman you are. God Bless, always and forever.

  6. Louise
    July 22, 2012 | 3:00 pm

    You have blessed us here on the other side of the world, and it grieves me that it comes at such a cost to you. May our Father hold you up in His strong hands and be your Yahweh Jirah and meet all your needs, blessing you and your family. May He be your Yahweh Rophe and bring you comfort and healing; the Lord Who Hears, the Lord Who Sees Me, our Father Who loves YOU.
    God bless you as your friends around the world stand praying for and with you.
    Love Louise and family, NZ

  7. Penny
    July 22, 2012 | 3:10 pm

    Heather, I’m praying for you, too.

  8. Sharla
    July 22, 2012 | 4:58 pm

    Heather, what a load you are carrying. I am so glad that God is there to carry it with you. All moms struggle with the question of “Am I a good mom?”. In your situation, I think it’s only natural to wonder that even more, but your kids are being taught by you that you love them and are being passed your faith. Watching you go through this and turn to God is teaching them far more than any field trip ever would. My prayers are with you and your family.

  9. Cindy
    July 22, 2012 | 5:06 pm

    Praying for you and your family, sweet mama.

  10. Leslie
    July 22, 2012 | 5:28 pm

    Heather, We are praying for you and for your family! We love you guys and so appreciate the way you have allowed the Lord to use you to minister His grace to many. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” You have so often shared the abundant comfort God has given you with others who are suffering, may God grant us the wisdom and ability to comfort you in your time of need as well. Love you, friend!

  11. Mandy
    July 22, 2012 | 8:49 pm

    I am also praying for you and your family.

  12. Kim
    July 22, 2012 | 9:52 pm

    Trusting that God is wrapping you up tonight in his safe, strong arms, and that you sense his love and approval. You are the best mama for your children, hand-picked before the beginning of time to lead them along the path for as long as you have it in you to do so. For all that you have done to minister to moms dealing with special needs, I pray that all that encouragement and grace comes back to you tenfold!

  13. Shari Noland
    July 23, 2012 | 2:20 pm

    I have these thoughts alot too. I do feel blessed to have not gotten really sick till my kids were teens and able to care for themselves, but knowing you have a really sick child who NEEDS you to be there for them makes this burden of health problems even harder. My son only tells me what is going on with his health and I worry what he will do when I’m gone. I don’t know how you deal with all your kids being ill and your health problems too. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

  14. Belinda
    July 24, 2012 | 8:24 am

    Heather –
    We have missed seeing and talking with you this year!
    You (and your family) remain in our prayers!
    Thank you for your transparency – it helps to know how to pray!
    Love, Belinda

  15. Karen (another Karen)
    July 29, 2012 | 7:24 am

    If you have time to read or if you can listen to cds, anything written by Joni Earekson Tada will surely help you. She’s had decades in a wheelchair that she never dreamed would happen to her.

  16. Lisa Jordan
    January 2, 2013 | 5:04 am

    Hi Heather,

    I understand to some degree how you are feeling. I am not bed bound, but my health challenges me and I am not the Mom that I want to be. I have found a nutritional program however that helps a great deal. If you are interested, please e-mail me.

    The ultimate Healer hears your desires.

    Lisa

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