From my heart today… So often bloggers talk to each other about all the great things, or even the funny wrong things. There are times we share and join in love for one another when a tragedy happens like at Rosecommon Acres when she lost her beautiful Tiggy. Or for my friend Kate as we pray continuously for the health of her little Noah, Praying for Noah.
What about the scared little girl fears living in us? The dark and not so pretty truths each of us have to face in our own way. Today I am sharing a truth that I shy away from, even run from in my mind but it never leaves. Am I a good mom? Do my kids deserve better than a broken, weak mom that is slowly dying?
I listen to my mommy friends and hear all the great co-ops, field trips and want to turn back the clock 2 years when I was taking my kids on those same trips. Now I can’t even drive. No more on the fly trips to the local fort. Not even a quick run to the grocery store. I am not in the least upset at my friends but it highlights that I am home bound now.
Mom’s that have full yummy meals on the table after a day of homeschooling, canning, running to the local nursing home to deliver baskets. I am so weak that I spend my day leading the family from the hospital bed. We have our meals planned out and normally have full meals. I hang heavy on my heart those days that I need to rely on cold cereal and left overs for dinner.
I am not the mom I wanted to be. Not the funny, healthy, well balanced, busy mom I always imagined. I never thought about being a mom in constant pain. A mom that fights seizures. That can’t even eat food anymore. I ache for the dream of a life I desperately wanted to give my kids.
I never once imagined being the one to die and leave my husband widowed raising our precious children alone. It’s my responsibility to be here helping. But no matter how hard I try my body is not able. I am fighting the waves of the tide as it slowly comes in.
Our weekends are now a Monty card game of whose doctor do we need to see? The girl’s MRIs or my Jtube placement. Drop me at the adult hospital and my husband has to take the kids over to the children’s hospital all for a day of appointments. There are days like today when it is all is a load so heavy it seems impossible to lift.
I ache for a life that is long enough to see my children graduated. You see I told you this was an ugly thought. This is the thought I flee from in my mind. I don’t want to die young. So I fill my mind with busy-ness and stuff so I can ignore my disease.
There are times like today that I find I have nowhere else to run. I have to face the reality that my future and my present is not what I dreamed, or planned. I will continue to need medical intervention to live. I will need medications to live. And I will need to learn a new way to live that life including parenting my children.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22
That’s right I am sad. I am crying as I write this, BUT I have not given up hope. Or delight in living. The Lord is good and I trust him. I don’t understand what is happening and why I have such trial. I pray that I am able to live up to what the Lord has planned for me.
I pray that the Lord uses me where I am and with what strength I have to further His kingdom.
The Lord heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
I am not this down most days. There are low ones though. I know many of you can relate to those low days when you just don’t know how to pick yourself up off the floor.
My dear friends you are not alone. When you are that low reach out and ask for a prayer. Ask for support. A shared burden is a lighter burden. Find a way to shine love even when you are low.